Jan 13 2009
I ask myself, why?
Today was one of those days. I had to wonder if I hadn’t been better off if she would have just not had me. She didn’t want me, my mother. I saw three women having lunch this afternoon talking, laughing, having fun and I got angry. Why? I guess, I was jealous. Wondering what I have missed, jealous, because I wanted to be the one sitting there with my mother having fun, but I wasn’t and it was never going to be that way for me. My mother didn’t want me when she found out she was pregnant with me and that is when it all began.
Today brought back painful memories of when she decided that it would be better if she kept me at home with her, while she drank.
Yes, she would wave the school bus away, take me by the hand and lead me across the street, to the 7-11 to get her daily six pack. She told me it would be fun, she and I staying home and being together. But….it wasn’t. It wasn’t at all. The days began with her drinking and me sitting all by myself wondering what I would do.
Those women made me remember those times. I remember the first time my mother waved that bus good-bye, then she went upstairs after drinking all morning. It was the beginning of a new kind of life for me, one I wouldn’t soon forget.
