cattyann

There are times I would like to turn back the hands of time. Then, maybe not. The movies I watch, the people I pass, all reminders of what I don’t have. A mother. The lack of having a mother makes me sad and I know I am not alone. My childhood was one that I don’t care to repeat. My mother was a alcoholic who beat me at times and kept me out of school for almost two years, those are times I don’t care to live over. Child abuse comes in many forms, you live through it or you don’t.
Seeing movies with children and their mothers, laughing, crying, sharing, good times and bad, brings tears to my eyes. I never had good times with my mother, and I wonder what I missed. When I was a child, my mother always told me she hated me and didn’t want me. Being a change of life baby was something she could live without. Abuse comes in many forms, mine was having an alcoholic mother who hated me and kept me at home with her while she drank. My father worked two jobs and didn’t find out for a very long time of the problems she had. I was sworn to keep my mouth shut, and I did. I knew what would happen if I told anyone about what was going on. She would drink in the morning and then pass out. Me? I was told to stay in the house and be quiet, and I did just that. One day, I wondered down the street, only to be abused by a stranger. When I see daughters and mothers together, it grieves my soul. I wanted that to be me and my mother, but it is too late now. Children don’t realize what they have until it is too late. She never held me, or told me she loved me. We never shared a joke or held hands. She broke most of my fingers, at one time or another, during her drunken stupors, but I lived through it.
I’ve always wondered, what it is like to have your mother call and say, I love you and miss you. Being a mother makes me a better person, I give what I never had. It is a privilege to be a mother, I cherish it. Still, I find it difficult to see mothers and daughters bonding. I feel incomplete. My children, all boys, no daughters, but I wouldn’t change that for all the money in the world.
Writing about my childhood has helped. There are places like thoughts.com and today.com that make you feel better by getting it all out. Childhood for me was pretty nasty and writing about it all has helped. Still, I wonder what I’ve missed and envy those who still have their mothers. Good relationships or even bad, I get jealous. If you have a mother, hug her and remember she won’t be there forever.

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